Pipeline Company Cancels Oil Spill Due To Polar Vortex

Meth Lab, Arkansas - Plains All American Pipeline announced on social media that due to temperatures expected in the low minus-thirties the company is canceling an 800,000 barrel oil spill into the Mississippi River. 

Plains All American CEO, Harvey Shagworth, said, "When we caused the spill in Santa Barbara, and the fireball to erupt in West Virginia, from an oil train that crashed while heading to one of our facilities, it was gorgeous outside, but this weather, we can't be expected to destroy the environment under these conditions."

One activist responded in anger, "This is bullshit, I took the day off my job at the gas station so I could be there to fight the gas and oil companies' dominance over the US energy economy."

Erin Brockovich water guy Bob Bowcock said, "No one could have seen this coming.  This is the worst environmental disaster cancellation since Erin's TV show was canceled in the first season."

Brockovich spoke on her behalf, from her solid gold castle in Agoura Hills, "This is an outrage. I am immediately filing suit against the sky, for damages.  I'm going to lose millions of dollars in lawsuit winnings because of this pipeline company's failure to act."

Feven Litchfinkle, head of non-profit Environmental Work Group said, "We're saddened to hear this didn't happen.  I have no idea how we'll replace the hundred thousand dollars in donations we would have received right after the spill.  Please donate so we can prevent things like this from not happening again."

So far, there is no timeline for a future rescheduling of the spill, but a Plains All American spokesman hoped that they could reschedule the disaster for the Diamond Pipeline, which bisects Arkansas.  

Plains said, "This is a sad day for our company, but we're pretty sure we will be able to drop at least 43,000 barrels of oil all over the residents of Ozark just to make sure people still know we're out here and mean business.  Those activists and organizations lost a lot of money on this one, and we're truly sorry for that."