Daily Independent Journal Apologizes to Darth Vader
Mustafar - After the publication of our recent article proposing the fan theory that Darth Vader was actually a secret Rebel, Vader fans responded in droves, demanding a public apology from this media outlet.
One fan of the Dark Lord of the Sith said, "How dare you say such things about a five-time amputee and war hero!" Another said, "Luke wasn't a good guy, he was a religious extremist that led a terrorist attack against a government space station and killed over 300,000 innocent people!!" Yet another fan said, "Vader was fuckin' evil, ur a bitch and I'm going to stab your mother."
Hank Fookinay, leader of #SithLivesMatter, went into detail, "Your theory that paints Vader as a secret good guy is offensive and insults the memory of Darth Vader. He killed Younglings. Younglings, I tell you! What kind of good guy kills Younglings? Did Obi-wan kill Younglings? Nooo, but Vader did!!" He added, "...and, vicariously, Ewoks."
Vader, reportedly, was a pupil of Obi-wan Kenobi, until he turned to The Dark Side, but our investigation revealed that Anakin Skywalker was actually Darth Vader and that prior to turning to the Dark Side, the young Padawan was the best star pilot in the galaxy, a cunning warrior, and a good friend.
When we contacted the Force ghost of Anakin Skywalker for comment, he said, "Wait, you're not going to ask me about sand, are you?"
Skywalker said, "Look, when I was Vader, I was going through some serious shit. I mean, I lost all of my limbs, some even twice. I'd heavily invested in that damn castle on Mustafar that has like 600 rooms and only ended up using the Bacta tank and the putt-putt course."
"Next thing you know, my kids show up and they're all like Dad we want to overthrow the Empire and I'm like fine, whatever you want to do but leave me the hell out of it, and don't come crying to me when one of you ends getting finger lightning'ed by that old, shriveled up, cackling, walking nutsack, Palpatine."
Anakin added, "But seriously bro, I was evil, did they tell you about the Younglings... and vicariously, the Ewoks?"
Even before becoming Vader, Anakin infamously killed an entire clan of Tusken Raiders who had kidnapped and tortured his mother, which many believed was the true beginning of his journey down the dark path.
Skknnxxxzznnxpblfft, a descendant of the Sand People that Anakin slaughtered on Tatooine, who now runs a small accounting firm, Returns in Greater Numbers C.P.A., in Boise, Idaho said, "UUUggnnnnnnnnnnngh Ugh Ughhh Ughh WHooooogh" and then hit me square in the face with a gaffi stick.
Since the release of the original and prequel trilogies, fans have wondered if Vader would ever return to the Star Wars Universe. Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker director, J.J Abrams, said, "I'm loaded rich. I don't give a fuck about any of this. Get off my lawn before I have you killed."
In the end, as we'd stated in our original article, we may never know what Vader's true intentions were, but it seems that in the Star Wars fanbase, there are many people who take great offense to our suggestion that Vader was kind of a nice guy, and for that, we deeply apologize.