Photo credit: Matthew Berdyck

What Would Happen If 1,000,000 People Tried To Storm Area 51?

The Air Force just trolled the trolls right back and no one caught it.

Rachel, Nevada -  As the online fervor over the 'Storm Area 51' movement grows, many people are starting to become concerned that maybe it's not a joke and that people are planning on showing up.  

Nevermind that the entire goal of their mission is to storm the base and then have sex with aliens, a fact that has been left out of most media coverage because newscasters don't seem to know what the term "clap cheeks" means, there's a stark reality that would have to be immediately faced the moment the movement attacked.

Even if the would-be invaders rolled in four deep, that's 250,000 vehicles that would need to travel up 94, to 375, a two-lane highway.  The traffic jam would extend all the way back one-hundred miles to I-15, east of Las Vegas.  

If these people figured out, eventually, that there are actually three ways to approach the base - from the south on 375, from the north on 375 and the back way - and they managed to somehow coordinate their arrival, there is nowhere to park 250,000 cars.  

Let's say that the organizers managed to secure desert land, parking attendant staff, and were able to squeeze all of those cars onto a flat piece of desert.  

Leaving out the fact that the military would have a great time sitting there watch it take 16 hours to park all of the cars and then get even more laughs watching the stormers figure out there is no water or restrooms, the attack could begin. 

Assuming the forces are approaching from the perimeter, they'd quickly realize that due to the rolling mountainous condition of the terrain, the only reasonable way for the force to attack would be to enter through one of the two gates that are off of highway 375.  

Sure the rugged and brave could take the mountain routes, but with either way, there is yet another set of problems.  

If the crazed alien love seekers entered through the rear gate, roughly 12 miles from Rachel, once they entered the base they'd have roughly 42 miles to run before they reached the actual base.  From the main entrance, it's about 27 miles.  

Remember, there are only two roads into the base, aside from the back road, and they couldn't storm shit with their cars.  

This means an invasion force of 1,000,000 people would have to literally run pretty close to 30 miles before they would get the alien sex buffet they are demanding.  

I'm not sure if you've seen some of the people who are behind this movement but they're definitely recipients of numerous participation awards for achievements in participating in participation, so there is little chance this group of losers would even make it five miles before they lost internet signal, couldn't post dank memes and  be forced to wear all black and get edgy AF. 

Some people out there are claiming the moment anyone entered the base they would be shot, which is patently ludicrous since there is virtually no risk of anyone making it to the airfield, on foot, in the first place.  

This is why we are confident in saying that there will be no storming of Area 51, no alien sex orgies, and the military's response of claiming they would defend the base was just them playing along.  The Air Force just trolled the trolls right back and no one caught it. 

The American public can rest easy and know they are being trolled by trolls trolling other trolls.  

That is all.